The Normal Lesbian Psychic

What your dog can tell you, about you.

If you are a dog owner and you ever want a good mirror or want to know what is in your own energy, take a closer look at what your dog is doing or how they are acting. Animals know and tell you the truth if you are listening. I know this may seem weird, but the premise of this whole blog is weird, yet you're still reading it! I have a few examples of these furry occurrences.

Your dog mysteriously poops on the sidewalk and has never done that before. This means that you yourself have been emotionally holding on to something way too long and no matter if the time is right, it needs to be released.

Your dog was kind of aggressive toward other dogs right after a tough break-up. This one is self explanatory.

Your dog sniffs the fire hydrant for a long time. This means that you as well, will have many messages on your voice mail when you get home.

Your dog was throwing up food for a while, right before you got sick. This could be taken a couple ways. One, she was trying to tell you that you were sick. Two, she was preparing herself for 2 months of zero exercise and looking for ways to stay thin. That's my little pageant queen!

Your dog is shedding. It is time to get a hair cut and don't tell your hairdresser this time that you "trust" her judgment. Dogs don't like to be led around by other dogs. The pack mentality was as 80's as your hair.

Your dog LOVES chewing on bully sticks. Here is a link if you do not know what a bully stick is. http://www.bullysticks4dogs.com/bully_sticks_made.htm . I am still trying to figure out what this one means.

A token of appreciation.

According to Merriam-Webster a Token is a small part representing the whole. You may have heard this being used at parties when the "token gay person" or "token Jewish person" are invited to complete the party dynamics and represent those respective communities. All you need to do is invite one person to serve as a representative for that group of people. These days it is important to fill your party with a token from each group, so that you do not appear exclusive in anyway.

I had a dinner party the other night and realized that we were all tokens. We were all the "token gay people" that apparently were not scheduled to be individual tokens out to represent, at other parties that night. This was a problem, because how do you classify and identify people now? At another party I could say to my friend "I love that mascara on the token gay guy"! And she would know exactly who I was taking about. Now, at my very own all gay dinner party, there is no way to classify who I  am talking about...since we are all tokens. Shit! I realized very quickly that I had to create sub token categories for the guest list or else this party could end up being an unorganized mess! Here is what the invite list looked like...

The token hippie lesbian - Every lesbian party needs a tree hugger. And no party is complete without the essence of patchouli and someone to help with the recycling. Although, singing rounds of kumbaya, can get old. 

The token non-lesbian, lesbian - Every party needs a non-lesbian to keep the lesbians under control. The "token non-lesbian, lesbian" is a great addition to the party because, according to the neighborhood dynamics part 1 post , she is a gay man stuck in a straight woman's body. This makes her a great sue chef and she will audaciously serve up the voice of reason, when "token hippie lesbian" suggests a group hug.

The token interracial couple - As if being a lesbian isn't hard enough, someone has to be at the party to remind you that your coming out story only broke one social barrier. The token interracial couple is also commonly referred to as the token "one uppers".

The token-4 tokens in 1 token-lesbian - This is an incredibly rare token and a more valuable token than the rest. Not only is she a black lesbian in an interracial relationship, she is also Jewish. 4 tokens in one. She can also charge more at parties to be a token, because she only eats 1/4 of the amount of food and takes up 1/4 of the amount of space, by comparison. She is always booked in Boulder.

The token sports fan lesbian - If you want to truly catch up with the "token sports fan lesbian", don't have a dinner party during a yankees game.

The token nurturing lesbian - If you happen to cut yourself while chopping cucumbers, find the "token nurturing lesbian" right away. She has an innate sense of smell and knows where the first aid kit is in any home.

The token positive lesbian - Lesbians can sometimes be a bunch of negative Nancys! It is "nature vs nurture", as to how they got this way. Nature would tell you that they were born on the wrong side of the bed and nurture would say that it's because they were listening to too many angry female singers while growing up. Regardless of the origin of attributes, the "token positive lesbian" is there to provide a ray of sunshine, and to help console the token "lesbian who just got dumped".  

The token hot lesbian - If you look closely at the small print on positive self affirmation tapes it says, "DISCLAIMER : results may vary depending on make-up, attire and level of inebriation of the ugly person, trying to talk themself out of being ugly". No party is complete without someone to remind you that you are ugly, and simultaneously poor for wasting so much money on positive self affirmation tapes. It is not all bad though. If you are funny enough to overcome your looks and win the "token hot lesbian's" friendship, this could actually serve you well. In physics there is a principle that "like attracts like" or Magnetism. Hot friends attract more hot friends. And if the "token hot lesbian" lets you tag along next time she goes out, then nobody notices that "one of these is not like the others", when they see that hot group of women. By virtue of proximity, you yourself have become hot.

The token butch lesbian- No lesbian dinner party is complete without one person that smells like saw dust. She is also the only one strong enough to venture into the bathroom after the "token nervous lesbian" uses it.

The token psychic lesbian - Also referred to as the "token awkward lesbian", she will interrupt any good flowing conversation with letting that person know that their dead grandmother is standing behind them. That was awkward.  

The token accessories - Accessories make every good woman and lesbians are no exception. The standard lesbian accessory? Dog hair. Authentic dog hair. Not that faux stuff. No lesbian ever leaves the house without some dog hair sprinkled on her (Section 5.2.1 of the lesbian handbook). And no lesbian party is complete without 2 or 3 "token accessory" makers. 

inner voice vs. outer voice.

We all have it. That unseen membrane that filters your inner voice in a careful straining process to become that sparkly and shiny outer voice. To me it looks like a blob of play dough carefully packed into a garlic press, and then with one strain filled squeeze and a vain popping out of my forehead, voila....perfect spaghetti. Keep in mind that the scent alludes to something that you still should not eat. Looks can be deceiving.

A recent example that I noted and filed for future spewing....

Inner Voice says "I am not really that honest, but you seem fascinating", when outer voice utters " that is fascinating, please tell me more."

Inner voice says " Listen crazy bitch in the flowery smock with your one curler accidentally left hanging in the back of your gray/blue hair and your cigarette with the ash longer than the butt. You have lived longer than science itself, let alone defying it,  and should be happy you have enough teeth to chew your cake." Outer voice says " Happy 98th Birthday Grandma, I love you."

I have recently learned that my inner voice, comes from my inner child (who coincidently can beat up your inner child). My inner child happens to be "that kid". The one always in "time out", with 2 different socks on and a booger perpetually stuck to the crease of the sleeve, right at the elbow.

I don't really know where I am going with this post. Nowhere fast, apparently. I probably just made myself look like an even bigger asshole, than I am already perceived, because now you wonder not only if YOU are "the yapper", but what really lies beneath those sweet things I say. Remember, it's not me. It's my inner child, who was held back in 2nd grade. That same uncoordinated and ill-sighted child that also, coincidently, was the impetus for the swift and mysterious disappearance of lawn darts from toy store shelves, in the late 80s.

Exercise.

I don't exercise anymore, thanks to this civilized, Virgo-ian (if that is a word) right of passage.  Not in the way the average American defines exercise, and DEFINITELY not in the way a Boulderite would, anyway. But, I am getting my energy back slowly and will return to normal (normal normal and not Boulder normal) soon.

Instead, my thumbs are in the best shape of their little lives, from texting my favorite crazy Virgo, named crazy Virgo. http://crazyvirgo.typepad.com/ . What could we possibly be texting about, since we live 30 feet from each other and see each other for a minimum of 3 hours each day in the summer and 6 minutes in the winter? BTW, now is a good opportunity to let her know that if I am not named the god mother to little furry Peepers soon..I am going to kick some neighborhood ass.

Another exercise...recently over text with CV. What actor and actress would play your character in Hollywood. In my case, assuming some rich, yet not so wise investor wants to dump loads of money into a project about a 33 year old lesbian, psychic, Virgo with a case of Shingles 30 years premature. Sounds to me like Monk meets Driving Miss Daisy meets Boy in the Bubble all on the set of Ghost.

Back to the exercise. CV chose for herself Hugh Grant and Kate Winslet (with more edge). I forgot to tell you, you get to add one caveat. These are perfect for her, by the way.

So this leaves NLP. I chose Jason Segel, probably because I was in the middle of watching  "I love you, man" . Not sure if it was the "masturbation chair or how he wears sweaters with shorts, but I love him. And then Drew Barrymore (minus the coked out childhood). Although, hind site is always 20/20, and who wouldn't vote for a pocket full of sunshine to help you speed through your younger years? I appreciate her listening to her intuition at such a young age.

What is your pick?

What your date's pet can tell you about them.

As an animal communicator, no I really am...I have read lots of furry creatures. Of course, when you read an animal you end up reading it's owner. As the gears start spinning in little Normal LP's brain, of course I am going to throw in my love for observing society and create a mash-up of a new way to approach that next, animal owning, first date. Here are a few correlations that I came up with.

Their dog let out a little tinkle when they saw you. This one is subjective and could mean two things. They are excited to see you. Or, you met them online and the incontinence indicates they lied about their age.

If their Dog barks at you and then runs away. This means that your date has some defensive walls up, but is really sensitive.

If your date's dog tries to hump you. This means a couple things. First, that you yourself are a submissive person. Second, that your date is a dominant person. Third, that this is a good match and dinner might not even be necessary AND you already know what position they like. JACKPOT!

If their dog runs up to you and wants a lot of pets and attention. This is a good sign, they are probably sweet and just simply want to be loved. 

If you meet their cat and the cat immediately goes to the litter box. This means your date is nervous.

If you see their dog on the couch and they have not moved to greet you. Your date is a little lazy and considered not answering the door, to finish watching golden girls re-runs.

If they have a goldfish. Your date is a Virgo.

If they are holding their dog or cat when they answered the door. Their heart has been recently broken and it seems comfortable for them to cover it up with a live animal. Same applies if they are holding a chicken or rooster.

If they talk to their pet. Get me their number, as I would like to date them.

If their dog sniffs your crotch. This implies 2 things. First, that they REALLY like you. Second, that you might really like them too.

If their dog has not been nudered. Whether your date is a man or woman, they probably have a lot of testorsterone and are wearing a wife beater. Again, applies to both men and women.

If your date has multiple animals. This increases the odds of a pet hair showing up in your dinner...AND you wont be the only living thing on the bed while having sex. I hope you like voyers. 

If their cat is on the counter. This means that your date has great immunity and can take care of you when you get worms.

If their dog wont stop barking. This means that your date wont stop talking. Now is the time to come up with a good excuse.

If their dog is highly trained and very well behaved. Could initially be seen as a good sign, but I hope you are ok with commands in bed. Good boy.

The yapper.

I know a yapper. Yup, that person that does not stop talking. Even worse, they don't listen to you when you are talking. I can tell with the glazed look in their eyes as they are contemplating their next spout of verbal diarrhea, as I utter my words. And I only feel that they are making eye contact with me to zone in on the target of where their verbal diarrhea will land.

My psychic friends say, that when you are annoyed with someone else or something really bothers you about someone else, this is a piece of yourself that you don't like. Humm. I am trying to sit with this one, but it feels like I am sitting on a rose bush. Am I not present when others talk? Sometimes. Do I have verbal diarrhea. Probably in certain situations. But, I feel more comfortable as a listener. Do I have my own conversation inside my head when others are talking. Sometimes, but I just figured I was a good multi tasking Virgo. Why not be putting together my to-do list for tomorrow, as someone is complaining to me how their girlfriend is not present when they talk?

What to do...I am going to call in the "eye for an eye" principle on this one, and put a donut to shame with the glaze over my eyes and just start talking.

So, next time that person passes gas in that crowded elevator...what is it about them that you don't like about yourself? And how are you going to respond? I know how I am.

Naturally Obliviuos.

I think that society puts too much emphasis on things like "natural beauty" or "natural leaders". I am a little miffed that media brushes aside the not so likable characteristics that some are lucky enough to have naturally. What about naturally spacey? Or naturally insecure? Or naturally self-centered? I had to really work hard throughout my life to become insecure and it is in my nature to be jealous of those who did not have to work as hard as I did. I am naturally jealous, though.

It would have been nice to have been born insecure, versus having to go through a series of steps to become insecure. I think that it all may have started with my very first bowl hair cut. Keep in mind I am a girl, but that bowl saves a lot of money. As well, pimples also are a very helpful, and exponentially so if you have parents that count them for you.

Earning those characteristics can be painful. So, if you happened to have been lucky enough to be born with those not-so-likable characteristics...be grateful. And let others know that being cheap, just comes natural to you.

Bearded lady.

I am not Italian or Greek. I am Irish and English. I do admit to having a decent amount of male energy, but cannot explain this mysterious chin hair that keeps popping up, so abruptly right now in my life. I am only 33!! And I am not talking a little blonde hair that might be longer than the rest. No - this is a full on black whisker. WTF???????? This is kinda tough for a virgo to take. How did I not see this coming? If I were Italian, I would be used to this from the rip old age of 8. But I am not, so frankly I am shocked and fear the worst. My normalcy is slipping through my hands like sands through the hourglass. My life just moved one step closer to that proverbial carnvial, that I so very fear. I do love to travel, but I hope that the universe does not take my nomadic wishes in the wrong way. Now - I have to dedicate a good 6 minutes each night to chin hair inspection after I clean the mess hall. What is next?

You asked for it!

I firmly believe that you are the creator of your reality. Ask and it is given.

If you do not believe this, I will provide an example.

It was recently my birthday and I went out with a very beautiful group of single ladies. I did not really realize this until a stranger and now bff walked up to our table to hit on all of us. It came up at one point that we were all single, gay and cute. I remember thinking to myself in that moment and subsequently asking the universe, I wouldn't mind more singles like this in my life (since I had already made out with all of the women at the table at one point or another). Consequently, a little buzzed, I may have slurred my request.

The universe responded less than a week later. Sitting in front of my doctor half naked with swollen glands, fever and a rash on my hip, she slowly uttered the words in a deeper than usual voice. You have.....Shingles.

Well, that didn't take long.

Choosing your parents.

This might seem a little weird to you, but what if you actually chose your parents? Envision yourself sitting on a cloud and flipping through the resumes and pictures of thousands of potential parental candidates. Now, I know what you are thinking....same thing I am. No WAY in hell would I have consciously or in a sober state have chosen the parents I ended up with. Especially applicable if my mom happens to be reading my blog. The likelihood is high that she was not in a sober state in that womb anyway. God bless you grandma!  She is a bad example. 

Contrary, I would have chosen the Huxtables or some other family that seemed more sane. But, this way of looking at how I ended up with my family makes more sense to me than anything else. Why not? I came into this planet to learn certain lessons and those lessons seem never ending with old ma and pa. For example : My parents are CONSTANTLY farting. It completely grosses me out. I LOVE farts, they make me laugh. AND I love my own farts, but I hate theirs. I learn double standards. Off to make some coffee...