The Normal Lesbian Psychic

Raw Yoga.

As if I have not tried it all, I have gone out and put myself on a Raw Food diet to see how my body does. I blame my lesbianism for this. Straight people dont do weird things like this. Straight people play softball and go golfing. Oh, I take that back. I have to find something else to blame. Basically, going raw means that you eat veggies and all food uncooked to maximize your live enzyme intake. Which seems really counter intuitive to me, since you are now eating live enzymes. It is the plant version of a voodoo Adkins diet. Sounds like a PETA nightmare to me. 

I have found though in my short stint so far that my resilience and stanima have both increased. And, I am not talking about my personal energy here. I am talking about my ability to hold in a fart. Yes, imagine eating all raw veggies and grains for a week. Let me repeat. Imagine eating all raw veggies and grains for a week. Compound that eating with an avid yoga schedule and, voila! You now have a skill of holding in farts...anywhere!  My yoga practice has gone from the focus on deepening the stretch and maintaing the balance, to holding in the ramifications of lunch, while twisting and contorting my body in unnatural and air evacuating ways. Talk about focus. I have raw food to thank for that. My focus has increased two fold as, I fold my body into downward facing dog after eating lentil salad  with sprouts. 

Raw yoga, as I now consider it, is not like regular yoga. It is uncooked yoga and it takes far more determination than regular yoga. If you can hold in a fart in horse pose, you can hold in a fart anywhere. 

Baby Showers.

The forecast is calling for baby showers. And let me tell you. When it rains babies, it pours. Seems like the only person around me that is not pregnant is me, and this would be seemingly insignificant, if it werent for the law of attraction. Thanks to all my lovely fertile friends, now my clock is ticking. I want a baby, and cant decern if it is merely to fit in, or if my virgo intestines are overly active creating gas and a cute little pooch. Now I have one more monumental thing to add to the list of "wants", right after a UFO landing ( am I the only one, who would LOVE to see this?) I am a normal, lesbian, psychic who blogs about the idiosyncronicitics of dating and now I want a bun in the oven??? I assure you, this is not a publicity scheme to increase my readership. Now, I wonder if I am trying to trick the universe into making myself unavailable, and then attract available people? The "right person" sticks to me about as well, as anything sticks to a frying pan after using Pam Spray. So now I have to add further complications to my already complicated dating profile, by wanting a baby right away.

To all straight men out there... Does this sound vagely familiar? You meet a woman, who in her femanist ways, is so intuitive that she knows when you lied to watch football with your buds..and wont stop nagging you about having a baby. I have turned into my worst nightmare. That is me! A single straight woman who's time is running out! 

Off to buy almond milk, free range eggs, gluten free bread and sperm. 

How does that make you feel?

I know I blog a lot about dating, but I can't stop. It's an addiction. Maybe I should see a therapist about this addiction. Great idea! Today's blog is about going on a date with a therapist. The hardest thing to decide is what to do, since any choice I make is bound to be deconstructed as to which childhood memory is the underlying reason, as to why I made the choice. 

Movie? Well, classic form of avoidance and escape. I dont have to use my words, nor look her in the eyes......Seems like the easy thing to do, using escape, as an escape. 

Go to a play? I feel like this is a trick. This might be her trying to use role playing to understand me better? I can just see the conversation after. Date, "How did the ending of the play make you feel?". Me - "Hungry". Is it weird that the person you are dating carries sock puppets around in her purse?

Drinks? Of course she would want to drop my guard like a bad habit. Drinks would be a crafty way for her to see the "real" me, and that is counterintuitive to lesbian 101. We typically like to wait at least 3 years after firmly planting the roots of the relationship, to start showing your partner who you really are. 

Dog walk - She is going to know that I am a conformist and afraid to be different, as two lesbians walk a yellow dog at the park. Fears of acceptance? 

I think I will settle on some emotional eating...and just do dinner. This whole thing makes me sick just thinking about it, though. Now, I am worried that I will have projectile projection, right at the dinner table. 

 

AT&T and Telepathy.

I would like to thank AT&T for cultivating and developing the nation's psychics. Breaking the generalizations of the psychic world can be a tough task. Tough, but doable, thanks to companies like AT&T bringing the nation's psychics together. AT&T's network is touted as having the best global coverage. I love AT&T for it's dropped calls, static lines and dead zones. As a psychic, I get to often practice telepathy as my call is dropped halfway though getting directions. I get to intuit the rest of the recipe for that potluck I will be going to, and I will use my 6th sense to have a segmented conversation with my crazy homies. 

If someone chooses AT&T I know that they have strong intuitive capabilities, since they will have to use them more often than not. I know that is assumptive, but I am assuming we all make assumptions. I know, that when a new friend says, "I use AT&T" what they really mean is that they are psychic. It's like our secret handshake. 

The AT&T network is really the "psychic friends network". Thank you AT&T, for bringing the psychics together! 

Dead man's pose.

This is staggering, but the number of americans that have issues sleeping is nearing 80 million. And apparently, the other 24 Americans who have no issues sleeping are in my yoga class. Not only that, but those "other 24" Americans also apparently, have sleep apnea, when they are having no trouble sleeping in yoga.

I once read an article that yoga may help sleep apnea, but now I disagree. In fact, Yoga may induce sleep apnea. Sleep Apnea is when breathing pauses can last from a few seconds to minutes, while sleeping. Typically, normal breathing then starts again, sometimes with a loud snort or choking sound as the body wakes them up from potentially dying. When these people fall asleep in my yoga class, it is apparent that this is what is happening. Relaxing, huh?    

Savasana is sanscrit for "dead mans pose" which is the last pose of yoga class in which we lay on the floor as if dead. Which means that when you are actually sleeping and you have sleep apnea, you are taking this pose too literally. Wake up people! Literally, again.

I remain unappreciatively, wide awake during dead man's pose, thanks to all of the people waking themselves up from dying, around me. 

Relating to others.

Since I resigned from my high profiled CEO job, to follow my passion and be a full time psychic, I figured I better get things in gear and start to take this intuitive business, seriously. As a psychic, people generally are dealing with an issue when they consult an oracle. I do have to admit, just having left the software world, the definition of Oracle is anything but, solving issues. 

I see people with all sorts of issues. Fears, love and money. With a recent client with a mild case of claustrophobia, I figured the best way to understand how they feel is to go to the Boulder Apple Store at 10am on a Tuesday. By Apple I mean computers, not apples. Although, if apple stores existed, Boulder Colorado would be the first to open one. Right next to the mirror store. 

It wasn't 2 seconds after I opened the big glass doors, to find myself staring right into an iPore. You may be wondering what an "iPore" is. It's a pore on the face of an Apple Rep. With the lack of iPersonal space, in a store that clearly was violating fire codes, the iPores of Adam, the apple rep, was what I could see. That is how close I was to him. I asked him for help with my iPhone, to which he led me though the frat party sea of people to Rebecca. Rebecca, I noticed had an iPimple, as I could not help but fixate on it, while I talked to her, inches from her face. At least I had a focal point in the chaos. She specializes in iPhone applications. We chatted and shared stories about our favorite applications. I even let her know that one application of soap, might clear up her iPimple.   

As scores of people, rubbed by me and breathed on me I felt myself tense. I found my breath getting shorter and shorter as I looked for the emergency exits, as my own iPores began to sweat. I was in a sea of nerds and could not get out. I felt panic. The only redeming quality about the store is that it must have been designed by a gay virgo, who appreciates nice clean lines, that provide order in madness. He did a good Jobs. iParted ways with Rebecca, after I could not handle it anymore and left the sea of tight knit misery. 

I learned one thing. Only that we are all one, sometimes by virtue of proximity. 

Glass ceiling.

There are not many women CEOs in today's society. That was my last stop before I jumped on the crazy train. Yup. I gave it up. I am now a full time, stay at home, witch doctor. Crazy huh? I no longer go by NLP. I am now, NFTLP. Normal Full Time Lesbian Psychic. The amount of time dedicated to my psychic practice was what was always in question, not the lesbianism. I was never a part time lesbian.

Honestly, I never knew I could feel so happy. I do have some guilt though. Not about feeling so happy, as most of my clients feel like crap (before they see me, not after). I feel guilt for my unfortunate parents. Aside from looking seemingly normal, they now have NOTHING to tell their friends. When I first told them I was a lesbian, the would tell most of their friends that I was a CEO of a software company, instead. Now they can say " Oh, our daughter is a lesbian, but she is a psychic, also." Is that crickets I hear? Telling people I am a psychic, as well, will surely make up for an misgivings associated with being a lesbian. The psychics of my parents generation wore long flowing dresses as they stood under their neon signs, so there are definitely some barriers to be broken. My parents must be so proud. If they have any lessons to learn from me, it has to be unconditional love, since there is nothing conditional left to be proud of. Well, almost nothing. I am back in the gym and goal is to get a 6 pack of abs. Now they can say "Yeah, our daughter is a lesbian, psychic with a hot body."  Hollywood surgeons, cant raise eyebrows like that statement, will. 

 

Numberology.

This is a post about lesbian numberology. A threesome is one more than a twosome. It is also two more than a onesome. Which is where I have been for several years. Cute lesbians are no stranger to a threesome proposition. Proposition being the key word for me. But, the hell I will let it slide, without a good post. 

Threesomes are like the bike you had when you were 7 years old. Two big wheels and one little wobbly one on the side to make sure the rider doesn't fall over. It is the wheel that does not seem to be doing anything useful, as it sits on the periphery, as the other two wheels ride on. That wheel, doesnt belong, always looks flat and is never really wanted or needed, anyway. It exists to stabilize, every once in a while, the other two. That third wheel, for lack of a better word (which does not exist), is out of place and inevitably removed at some point, because it is only slowing you down. 

Here is a list of some NLP thoughts, on threesomes...

#1 If you are giving a threesome as a gift, dont bother getting a receipt. You cant take it back, despite it seeming like a "good idea at the time" . You are stuck with the memory forever, especially if one of the 6 hands was holding a video camera. 

#2 One person of the couple always wants a threesome more than the other. If you are the other, choose an ugly third. 

#3 A twosome with a onesome, watching from the corner, is not a threesome. 

#4 A threesome with all lesbians, is like trying to put puzzle together with some missing pieces.

#5 A good threesome requires focus, technique and adaptability from all included in the party. For preparation, I highly recommend joining a syncronized swimming team. 

 

 

Skype.

I have recently been introduced to Skype, when an online dating service informed me that there are only about 3 other people in the universe that are a "compatible partner" for a Normal Lesbian Psychic.  As luck would have it, apparently those compatible partners do not exist within a 500  mile radius. Therefor, Skype seems to be the only logical way to have a "first date". I should point out though that I do feel pretty fortunate to be who I am, despite my misgivings. I could have been a lesbian with cat allergies. Talk about destined to be alone.. 

Here we go with Skype as the "first date". As mistake number one, I had failed to do a Skype test run, to get out the bugs, and the nuances. In hind sight this would have been smart. If hind sight is 20/20, mine seems to be about 14/20, even with clairvoyance on my side. Here are a list of things NOT to do when Skyping your first coffee date. 

1. It's easy to want to use Skype as a mirror. The lighting is better than the car.  However, that mirror has someone looking back at you as you pluck your chin hairs in front of an unassuming and first time, audience.

2. Silence is awkward enough without staring at someone. The internet has now compounded awkward silence with awkward visual stillness. Keep a list of questions nearby to avoid this in the future.

3. I now know what beauty pageant queens feel like as they put vaseline on their teeth to keep them smiling. With Skype's survailance, now I can no longer pick my nose on a call, close my eyes, talk from my bed (how awkward for a first interaction), eat, floss, and play with my belly button.

4. I know what it feels like to be the news caster who wears a suit on top and sweatpants on the bottom. 

5. You only know the top half of the person you are talking to. Dont make any jokes about people with wooden legs or webbed feet, until you can confirm.  

Close encounters of the lesbian kind.

I know that you have heard of alien abductions. You know...when a space ship comes down, snatches a human and then implants their genetic code so that the human starts to take on the alien characteristics. Creepy huh?

But how about lesbian abductions? Are you familiar? This typically happens in a new relationship. A lesbian mysteriously disappears into nesting and when she reappears, she is sporting that same sporty style as her sporty, new lover. First it is the shoes. She will trade in her clogs for Converse Chucks. Then she will start wearing that same cell phone holster on her pants. Then the hair, that messy/spiky look. Even the linguistics. Both now overuse the term "uber" and "what have you" and what have you.

This is a lesbian abduction. Don't be afraid, as it happens all of the time. They are among us, and we may not even know it.